this is a story about a mom...... and a boy

This is a story about a mom.... and a boy.

About a year and a half ago, our youngest child started going through a rough season. In the last few months, we have dealt with behavior problems at school, at home, and at church, as well as difficulty at bedtime, difficulty with friends, difficulty with large crowds, homework, etc, etc, etc. There have been many tears, many fits, many questions, many arguments, and a LOT of prayer.

As parents, we were racking our brains wondering what happened. Is this hormones? is it blood sugar? was he bullied? did something happen? or is he just being a terd? the mood swings were drastic, and as a mom, I began wondering what happened to my sweet boy.

after some concerning events at school and at home, we finally decided to try counseling. this has been a life saver for our family on several occasions, so why not now?

the counselor suggested I started keeping a journal. my job was to write down anything we did during our day that could possibly be triggering the melt downs to see if there were any patterns. food, sleep, schedule, activities, family time, what friends he played with, his moods, all of it. so basically, I was studying my child, and taking notes. I honestly did not think we would find a pattern, and I was worried that the anxiety that runs in my family had claimed yet another victim.

but I was wrong. or at least partly wrong. you see, in the 3 weeks I observed and took notes, there were 3 meltdowns/tantrums. and all 3 were because I simply asked him to do something he didn't want to do. lightbulb moment. as much as I didn't want to admit it, part of the problem was me. I realized I have been too soft on my baby boy. I have rescued him, coddled him, compromised, given in, not followed through, and softened the blows too many times. and the boy that God intends to grow tough, hard-working, and strong, was only growing weak, entitled, and fearful.

and I guess it's very common with mommas and their baby boys, but man this part was hard. it took me a good 24 hours of mom funk to get over this realization that my parenting was part of my son's problem. BUT..... once I got over myself, I asked the Lord for help to change my approach, to help him become the man God intends for him to be.

and thankfully for me, my son is a quick learner. since changing my parenting with him about a month ago, I have watched him slowly come alive. as I've been learning not to lecture so much, he has been talking to me more. as I've been asking more of him, he has been rising to the occasion. and yesterday, for the first time in over a year, I realized I had my Graham back.

and I find it no coincidence that it happened in the same week that I made him mow the yard for the first time. I know it seems like a small thing, but really moms, for them it's a big thing. the first-borns seem to do everything so early, and the babies? well, nobody every really asks them to do anything. so not only do they learn they don't have to, but they also don't think they CAN.

boys, even and especially the little ones, need to learn to WORK. God created them for this and when we don't expect it from them, or keep rescuing them from it we are emasculating them.

today for instance, he wanted a new book. mommy wanted some clean shutters. so we traded and both got what we wanted. AND he also got a huge sense of accomplishment and pride in a job well done.

so..... why in the world would I want to admit my #momfail to the whole world? simply because mommas, I want you to know you're not alone in this, so hang in there. let's be willing to study our kids. let's be willing to parent them differently according to their needs. let's be willing to admit our mistakes and ask for help. and let's quit rescuing our boys from hard things. let's teach them they are strong in the Lord and that He created them to do good work.

want more practical? here's some things we have done with our boys that I have found leave them better off.

1) Work first, then play: During the school year, our kids are required to finish their homework and chores before they get video game time. During the summer, they are required to clean their rooms, finish their chores, AND turn in 2 age-appropriate reading or math worksheets before playing video games. They HATE it, but I hate video games, so we feel it's a fair compromise, ha! but seriously, if they're gonna go kill some brain cells, let's at least build some new ones first.

2) Limit their screen time. This teaches self-control, priorities, the dangers of addiction, and forces creativity. In our house, our kids get 30 minutes. This is not a gold standard, but what we’re comfortable with. We must also teach them to turn it off when their time is done. This has been hard bc it’s a delicate balance of respecting their need for closure within reason. And no, we don’t have this totally figured out yet, and yes, it is a battle, and yes, I believe it’s one worth fighting.

3) And one last thing about the video games – (can you tell it’s a hot button in our house?) Draw a line in the sand about what games you will and will not let them have. Try to say yes when you can, and when you say, no, make sure to have a solid reason. We have drawn a line in the sand with human on human violence. I’m ok with them shooting aliens, but when it comes to shooting other humans, that’s a big fat NO. (and yes, we’re apparently the ONLY parents in the world who said No to Fortnite) We want to teach them the sanctity of human life. And yes, there may come a time where they will be asked to go to war or to protect their families from violence, but allowing them to be exposed to this type of violence every day is completely unnecessary and in fact harmful. (in my humble opinion)

4) Don’t rescue them from boredom. Boredom spawns creativity. Don’t abort that prematurely just because you’re tired of hearing them whine.

5) Teach them to cook. (or at least how to make a sandwich) There’s a fine line between being your child’s mom and being their servant. When we are feeling unappreciated, we’ve probably crossed it. One thing that has helped us with this is when my husband finally convinced me to just fix one thing each day for breakfast. If they don’t like what I fixed, they’re on their own. During the school year, we do Monday Muffins, Tuesday Toast, Wednesday Waffles, Thursday Oatmeal, and Friday Favorites. But to each his own.

6) Teach them to do their laundry. They will fight you on this, but they will also smile when they do it themselves. Our goal was to have them doing it on their own by the time they were teenagers. We’re almost there and the future looks bright! It doesn’t have to happen all at once. Baby steps over several years are ok.

7) Praise their strengths. We produce what you praise. Help them figure out what they’re good at, and encourage the snot out of it.

8) Give them grace in their weaknesses. Help them realize it’s ok for them to not be great at everything. They will learn to give themselves (and others) grace in the same measure that you give it to them.

9) Teach them that their choices have consequences. Being grounded now will hopefully save them from going to jail later. And when they are grounded, use a point system of tasks they must complete to earn 100 points, and get their privileges back. My boys have both been through this and they actually end up much more confident than before. (And my fence usually looks a whole lot better too).

10) PRAY. I do NOT have this all figured out, and neither do you. These are God’s boys first. In order to keep them alive and to raise them to be His MEN, we must seek Him.

So, here I am, just a mom, sharing her story, suspecting she might not be alone