I want so badly to get this post right, and I can’t seem to,
so I’m just gonna spill it and hope someone will be encouraged by it.
I’ve always been a bit of a wallflower.
By definition - “a person who from shyness or
unpopularity remains on the sidelines of a social activity (such as a
dance)”
Yep – that’s me.
Like, literally EVERY WORD.
I mean, I love watching other people dance.
But the thought that I might be caught under
the spotlight is absolutely TERRIFYING…. I do not have a coordinated bone in my
body.
I can kick a soccer ball all day
long, but when it comes to dancing, my hips and my creativity are literal
sticks in the mud.
So this last weekend, when we received the schedule for our
upcoming family retreat that included a date night of “salsa dancing” with 30
other couples, needless to say I was less than enthused.
Mortified would be more like it.
The level of anxiety this caused for me is
actually embarrassing.
It took me right
back to one of our first dates when I hid in the bathroom for over an hour because,
well…..
karaoke.
I’ve grown in a lot of ways over our 19 years of marriage,
but social anxiety is not one of them.
So
here I was, dreading what was supposed to be a fun activity for both of
us.
I agreed that I needed to get out of
my comfort zone and at least enter the space where dancing would take
place.
But Rob knew the possibility of
my early exit from our evening was very real.
We headed towards the dining hall, sat down for dinner, and
enjoyed our conversation.
Then came the
moment where the music changed.
The guys
took to the dance floor and casually invited their wives to join them in
freestyle.
I very awkwardly went and
stood next to my husband, not having a clue what to do with any of my body
parts.
I think Rob sensed my unease, so
we slowly bowed out, and backed up into the corner of the room to “just watch.”
After the first song, the salsa instructor came to the
middle of the room and introduced himself.
He then split up the guys and the girls into two lines facing each other
and told us he would teach us one step at a time.
I thought to myself, “Ok, if someone is
showing me one step at a time what to do, I guess I can try.”
Still reluctant, and insecure, but didn’t
want to leave my husband without a partner, so I gave in.
So here we are standing across from each other, watching as
the instructor is modeling the first steps.
And there’s my husband and that grin.
You see, he’s never forced me to do anything I didn’t want to do, but his
smile has a way of sucking me in even when I’m reserved.
His playfulness has a way of making me laugh
and forgetting about my fear.
Twenty feet apart, we learned three simple steps.
Then came the time to come together and try
it in tandem.
It wasn’t so bad when we
were just counting to 6, but then when we tried it with the music, it was a bit
of a mess. I was all over the place.
Stepping
with the wrong feet, stepping ON Rob’s feet, going all the wrong ways.
And by the way, salsa is supposed to have
some hip action, some bending of the knees, some fluidity.
But as earlier mentioned…… there’s me…..
stick in the mud.
But my husband did not give up on me.
He just kept leading me.
Y’all.
I was so bad at it.
Until I wasn’t.
It was so awkward.
Until it wasn’t.
It was so out of my comfort zone.
Until it wasn’t.
We just kept dancing.
Before I knew it, I found myself having fun.
Suddenly I had forgotten everyone around me
and was enjoying just being with Rob.
I
realized later, that’s probably the most fun I’ve had in a long time.
Suddenly I had lost the insecurity and been
found by joy.
So……. Why am I telling you this story?
Why choose to share publicly such an intimate
moment?
Because I believe God designed marriage to be a small
picture of His love for us.
I have learned
more about Jesus from my husband this last year than I have from anyone or anything
else.
This has been such a hard year for me personally.
Several months ago, I had my first major
panic attack, quit my job, and began a season of healing and rediscovery.
My body and my mind are not as strong as they
once were and this has been a hard realization.
Not even 24 hours before our salsa date, I had a second major panic
attack that landed me in the Emergency Room at 1:00 in the morning.
All the while, my husband by my side, not
knowing how best to support me, but sticking with me regardless.
Interestingly enough, if you google the word “wallflower,” wikipedia
will quickly provide you information on social anxiety and panic attacks as
well.
You see wallflowers are not evergreens.
They only bloom in seasons.
With delicate roots, they can be very
difficult to transplant.
If moved
hastily, or taken out of their comfort zone too quickly, they simply wither.
I often wonder if I’m even a flower at all
and feel much more like a weed.
BUT…….
These last several
months, my husband has celebrated me and has let me bloom on the wall.
He’s never pushed me, just pursued me with
his patience.
He has known my fears and
and respected my boundaries, but also encouraged my growth.
The times
where I have been least deserving, he has served me and led me and waited for
me to come out of the shadows.
And the thing is, I’ve always wanted to learn to how to dance.
I would love to learn to throw off my
insecurities and live in the freedom and joy that Christ brings.
I’m just really bad at it.
More of a legalistic stick in the mud most
days.
I miss the steps.
I forget.
I lose my way.
But my Jesus is so
patient with me.
He just keeps holding
my hand, leading me.
He just keeps
smiling over me and when I look at His face, nothing else seems to matter.
