Recently, someone jokingly said to me, “it seems like every
time I see you, you have a different kid on your hip.” And I laughed.
I laughed because it’s true.
And I laughed because it’s amazing that its true. I laughed in a way that Sarah must have
laughed when Isaac was born. When God
took an impossible situation and brought life from it anyways. When God worked a miracle. When God fulfilled a promise.
Because you see, not that long ago, I was not laughing. I was a stay-at-home mom caring for 3 small
children, on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
So much so, in fact, that one evening when my husband got home from
work, I told him I was done. I told him
I couldn’t do this anymore. He asked me,
“what do you mean by ‘this’? Are you talking about the kids, the marriage, being
a stay-at-home mom, or just fixing dinner?”
I said, “ALL of this. I can’t do
ANY of it.” I told him I needed a break
and that I was going for a drive – by myself.
At that point I didn’t really care how he was going to manage 3 kids all
evening, or what they would eat for dinner, or whether or not they would get a
bath. As a matter of fact, at that moment, I didn’t really care what would
happen to them for the rest of their lives.
I was ready to drive away. And
probably not come back.
BUT, God’s grace in that moment kept me in my driveway. He kept me out of the driver’s seat and in
the back of our suburban, where I wept.
I sobbed for what felt like hours, broken and exhausted. I told God I couldn’t do this anymore. I also told God he was crazy. Because he had placed a burden on the heart
of our family to foster children. To
provide a loving home for those in need.
And in the back of that suburban, only weeks away from receiving our
fostering license, I told God he was crazy.
“We can’t even handle the kids we’ve got, much less adding more to the
mix! Lord, you know fragile I am. I get so easily overwhelmed and I’m already
on medication for depression. I am not
worthy, or capable. There is NO
WAY!!! I CAN’T DO THIS!!!!!”
BUT, that’s
when I felt HIM. That’s when I heard his
gentle whisper. “Erin, this is not about
you. This is about what I am going to do
through you. I got this.” And slowly but surely a peace came over me
that I cannot explain, except that it was Jesus. That peace in that moment gave me just enough
strength to walk back in that house. And
that same peace has welled up within me every day since, providing just enough
for each new day. And it seems as though
more and more often these days, that peace is providing more than enough for
the task, and just enough to smile. More
than enough for the work and a little extra to laugh. More than I expect, and there I’m finding
joy.
Where there used to be frustration and anger, God is helping
me laugh. Where there was brokenness and
depression, He has brought healing.
Where I am overwhelmed and distracted, He helps me celebrate the little
things, and focus on the important things.
Where I am not, He shows up as “I AM.”
So here I am today.
Still a stay-at-home mom. Our
children (6, 8, and 10) are all in school, and I’m still staying at home. I babysit a 1 year old full-time during the
day, as well as any other kiddos whose mommas happen to need an extra hand for
a few hours, or a few days. We also just
started providing respite care for foster children. That means, most days I am taking walks with
a wagon half-full, and working or writing while my little friend naps. And then other days, I’ll be pulling a full
wagon behind, and possibly pushing a stroller in front. And if I can manage to get everyone to nap at
the same time, you’ll find me in the suburban trying to figure out the best
configuration for car seats that allows school children to still wiggle into
the car at 3:15.
This is all very funny to me. I am not really even a kid person. Yet God keeps placing these kids in my life
to love on. I’ve even had to turn down
people needing me to watch their kids because I simply only have so much room
in my car. My plan was to go back to
work when our youngest started kindergarten.
Well, he’s in first grade now, and I’m still at home. And I still want to go back to work. I feel like I served my time and I’m ready to
do something new and exciting, something different.
BUT……. The words of
Amy Carmichael that someone shared with me years ago have become almost an
anthem for my life. She said, “Could it
be right, to turn from so much that might be of profit and become just
nursemaids? The answer [is] yes. It is not the business of the servant to
decide which work is great, which is small, which important or unimportant – he
is not greater than his master……. If by
doing some work which the undiscerning consider ‘not spiritual work’ I can best
help others, and I inwardly rebel, thinking it is the spiritual for which I
crave, when in truth it in the interesting and exciting, then I know nothing of
Calvary Love.”
God’s ways are not our ways, and I still fight His
ways. But every time I give in to His
ways, I find more joy there. More of Jesus and His Calvary Love there.
I don’t know how long this season of my life will last, but
I want to soak up every minute of it. Because
I am loving the ways He is molding me and making me a truly NEW CREATION. There are days when I still wonder, “Lord,
what were you thinking?” But then I
laugh. There are still times where I am
overwhelmed with crumbs and clutter, dirty diapers and daily homework. Overwhelmed with the individual spiritual and
emotional needs of a number of children.
And then God brings to mind what a very wise mother of 9 told me shortly
after the birth of my 3rd. I
asked her, “How do you do it all? How do
you meet all their needs?” She said, “I
don’t.” “I just ask God who needs me the
most in that moment, and then work on that.
I don’t always get it right, but I do get to know God better in the
meantime.”
That’s what I truly want.
What I truly need. To know God
better. To lean on him more. To find Him around every corner. And for now, He is revealing Himself to me
through these little ones.
Our stories and struggles are different. But the solution for our salvation is the same. Jesus - making us new once and for all, and every day.
