call me crazy

Just something that's been on my heart lately. I've started and stopped this post several times because I haven't figured out the right way to word it. But here goes anyways.

Y'all. Counseling has literally saved my life. And I think so many others could benefit from it if they just knew they weren't crazy for needing it. There is still sadly a negative stigma attached to depression, anxiety, and a variety of other mental illnesses, or even just to asking for help. People don't hesitate to go to the doctor when their knee is dislocated, but for some reason won't seek out help when their heart is broken . Hey, I made the same excuses for not going: "I can't afford it, I'm not really THAT crazy, what will people think, etc."

Thankfully though, I had someone in my life who cared enough to gently push me in the right direction. And also thankfully, I've been hooked up twice now with some amazing women counselors who have been professional, Godly, wise, and compassionate and discerning.

It has turned out to be one of the biggest blessings in my life and probably the biggest tool of growth and maturity in my personal life and in our marriage. I just wish more people could let down their guard and take advantage of this amazing resource we have in Christian counselors. I mean, not only does the Bible tell us to seek wise counsel, but who doesn't love having someone who will just listen to them for an hour?

So here's a few of the things I have learned from many hours in that comfy chair:

1) my past will definitely be a filter in my view, but it doesn't have to frame my future.

2) relationships are messy and communication is key. I'm growing in my ability to listen, and in speaking the truth in love.

3) "feelings are great companions for life, but horrible guides." Feelings are very real, but they are not equal to truth. For the truth to live and act upon, I must look nowhere else than to God's Word.

4) I'm not crazy, but I'm also not superwoman. I am a broken human, but I'm in good company, and I'm incredibly loved.

Sounds pretty good, huh? I know. I know because it sounded pretty good the first time I heard it too.... in counseling.

not all fun and games

If you happen to see us in the driveway playing basketball, or board games on the living room floor with our kids, you might think, "oh how sweet, a family that's playing together."

But please know the truth. Our driveway is often a battleground, where soldiers for Christ are being trained. It is not all fun and games as much as we would like it to be. I would love to be able to relax and play a fun game of pick up or horse and smile and laugh and have a good time. But 9 times out of 10, this is not the case. 9/10 times their competitive spirit and pride and the behavior that comes with it requires refinement and demands a parental response that is a lot of hard work. It is hard and ugly and exhausting.

I can't blame them, they have two highly competitive parents.

But here's the thing. I can't just let them win. There's this dance of competitiveness and fairness, fun and seriousness, winning and losing, being hard on them and taking it easy. Not because I need to win or because I feel sorry for them. No, I've already learned not to take myself too seriously, and I learned it way too late. Not because I am mean or because I even want them to perfect their layup or their jumpshot or anything else.

But because I want them to learn to lose with grace. And I would rather them lose a game of horse and break a door hinge today than to lose their good reputation or have a broken marriage later. I want them to learn to control their anger and frustration. I want them to learn integrity, and that relationships are more important than achievement. I want them to learn to have fun and to include others. I want them to learn to delight in the game and in the fellowship, and I want them to know their value is not in their shooting percentage, or their winning percentage, or even in their character, but in their status as sons and daughters.

These games we play could just be for fun. And sometimes they are. But sometimes they are so much more.

my rescue

Someone told me the other day that people needed to hear my part of God's story. so here's a small glimpse of just that:

While I have known about Jesus my whole life, I have also struggled with depression and anxiety as far back as I can remember. when I was 9, I remember melting into a puddle of tears, telling my daddy I thought I was ugly. when I was 12, I remember putting my head down on my desk in my 6th grade class, thinking everyone hated me. when I was 13 and 14, I seriously considered suicide many nights, and even I even gave my church youth group a scare by sneaking out of my cabin at a state park camp out one night. I didn't know where I was going, I just knew I wanted someone to find me and love me. when I was 15, I had decided I would be an atheist, because Jesus was really more like Santa Clause and would eventually disappoint, or so I thought.....

that is.... until I actually met him. or he met me rather. on July 15, 1995, I heard Jesus calling my name. I was at a youth camp with my friends, but I specifically heard him speaking to ME, saying, "Erin, I'm real. and I love you. I came to save you and I want to be with you." I gave my life to Christ that night and things have never been the same.

now don't get me wrong when I say things have never been the same, I don't mean I have never struggled with anything ever again. I still fight with anxiety and depression EVERY DAY. up until I had kids, the depression manifested in withdrawal and sadness, lots of tears for no reason, just a big cloud of gray over my head all the time. since having kids, it has looked more like anger. after our second child was born, it looked like post partum depression and me calling my husband at work and telling him he needed to come home right now before I hurt one of our babies. after our third child, it looked more like panic attacks, becoming easily overwhelmed, not being able to make small decisions, etc.

these days, now that the kids are older and not so demanding, my battles are more subtle, and take place mostly in my mind. I am constantly having to remind myself that I don't have to act how I feel. but when put under even the smallest amount of pressure, those anxieties bubble to the surface and get ugly. I freeze making decisions, I get overwhelmed with messes, I often don't know where to start tackling new tasks, I make excuses not to try anything new or different or unfamiliar, I don't handle change well, I hate crowds, and decisions, and anything that doesn't involve a plan.
this morning even, it looked like me being frustrated with our firstborn and fussing at him because he didn't plan ahead and not being able to help him at the last minute for something that was supposed to be fun because I HATE being rushed and can't think on my feet. and then I'm suddenly being mean to everyone just because I am anxious.

The source of all this anxiety/depression is still unclear to me. There are several things at play and it seems to linger somewhere in the gray area that includes genetics, being a product of my environment and diet, the brokenness of man living in a fallen world, and my own sin. Wrestling with this reminds me of the disciples question to Jesus about the blind man: "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him." (John 9:3) So the source of my trials are not as important to me as the deliverance from them. With that, enough about me. Let me tell you about the work God has done in me.

Jesus is a healer. He is a deliverer, a rescuer, a savior, a hero. But his healing and deliverance on this side of heaven looks different to different people. There were some who came to Jesus and he touched them and they were healed. Others he just spoke the words, "Get up and walk," and they did. One woman was healed after reaching out and just touching the very edge of his clothes! And Paul was told after begging for years for healing from a "thorn in the flesh" that God's grace would be sufficient for him.
When I was 10, Jesus brought healing in the form of my daddy's loving arms wrapped around me telling me I was beautiful. When I was 12, God provided a 6th grade teacher pulling me into the hallway and disregarding the rules as a public school teacher to remind me of how much Jesus loved me. When I was 13 and 14, God gave a patient and understanding youth minister and countless loving mentors, and many compassionate church friends who accepted me just the way I was. When I was 15, God offered his salvation from sin that was paid for on the cross by the precious blood of my Jesus. And since that day, He has been my healing in daily sanctification, being made more like him every day.

When I was in college, His deliverance came in the gift of 6 months of free counseling that provided me with some tools to deal with life on a regular basis. during my post-partum depression, He showed up on my doorstep in the form of a friend who came to check on me and hold my babies so I could vacuum my living room. after our third child, God provided healing in the form of medication which helped me function during those years when the kids were so little and the demands of mommy-hood would have otherwise swallowed me up. after our move to Tyler, God provided healing and rest in another year of counseling. All along the way, God's gracious, loving, and healing touch has been extended to me through countless friends, always pointing me back to Jesus. And probably the most effective instrument of God’s healing and rescue in my life has been my ever-so-patient husband. For almost 20 years now he has been my constant friend, and safe refuge. his faithful discernment has helped me navigate daily decisions. his imperfections have helped me look to Jesus to be the only one who can perfectly satisfy. his patience, his humility, and his servant’s heart have challenged my anxiousness, pride, and selfishness. Even just this morning, God used Rob to administer both grace and conviction, when he leaned in to give me a hug, even when I was being a jerk to everyone in the house.

So God’s healing for me has come in many forms. Some days it comes as I preach His Word to myself, bringing truth, clarity, and understanding to those ever constant battles in my mind. Other times, I gain power for the day as I just reach out for the edge of His presence. Sometimes, he sends counselors or friends who can speak truth to me and tell me to “Get up, and keep walking.” Other times, He just holds me. Sometimes, he puts me in the boat and saves me from the flood. Other days, he calls me out of the boat to walk on the waves. Sometimes, he pulls me up out of the flames, and other times, he stands with me in the fire.

But ALWAYS and for every trial, His Grace is Sufficient. NEVER ONCE have I walked through any of this alone! EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, my rescuer, Jesus, has been with me extending grace, providing healing, loving me!!!!  ALWAYS, “It is God who works in me to will and to act according to HIS good purpose.” And today and for that I GIVE HIM THE GLORY!!!

getting too attached

Warning: strong emotion may exist in this post.

People tell me all the time that they couldn't foster because they don't think they could handle letting go.

I just want to share with you this morning that that is absolutely FALSE. So the following are my reasons why you could let go, and my plea to you to rethink whether or not God might be calling your family to this ministry:

1) if I can let go, so can you. Before rob and I started fostering, I said the same thing. "I don't want to foster because I couldn't handle saying goodbye." Well folks, be careful what you say you'll never do. The Lord has changed our hearts in so many ways in this process and that was one of them. He showed us our selfishness and we have now let go twice. And yes it hurts like heck, but we've done it by God's grace, and so can you. He says that His "grace is sufficient" and and that He will comfort us, and we can trust that.

2) When God promised his "peace that passes all understanding," he wasn't kidding. I don't like the way the system works all the time, but I can rest in God's Sovereignty, and in His hand being on these children who are His first. And the peace we have about their lives is truly a mystery, and a blessing.

3) in some ways, the letting go comes with relief. These children come from hard places, and they come with a lot of emotional and physical baggage, and I'm not gonna lie, sometimes that burden is really heavy. Caring for these kids is not easy. Yes, they're cute, and precious, and it's so rewarding, but it's also a lot of work. So when they leave, a part of you is glad to finally take a deep breath, or sit in a quiet house, or be able to sleep through the night or take a nap.

4) if you became a foster parent, you might indeed get "too attached." But guess what? That's exactly what these kiddos need. Because of abuse and neglect, many of them have never been able to develop healthy attachment skills or loving bonds with any adults in their life. Someone who might get "too attached" is exactly what they need to learn how to trust other humans, and ultimately, to trust God.

5) what's the alternative for these children? If people like you and me don't step up and care for these kids, the alternative is often times a cold, hard, CPS office floor. or a shelter. Or a crowded house with pseudo-parents who are just looking for a check. Or at best a children's home where they will see only a small part of what God intended family to be.

6) God let go. He let go of His Son for us. To reconcile us to himself. And Jesus let go of His Father, and "for the joy set before him, endured the cross." What an amazing way to experience the gospel and be ministers of reconciliation in our broken world.

So..... there are lots of reasons not to become a foster family. Like maybe you just don't like kids, or you have your hands full with young children of your own, or you don't have enough room in your house, or you're heavily investing your time in another great ministry.

But please, I beg you, don't let getting too attached be your reason. You'll be missing out. And so will they.

How Foster Care is Wrecking our Lives............. For Good

Our family has been involved in foster care on and off for about 4 years now.  We are currently caring for just our second placement.  So we are by no means seasoned veterans in this fight.  But even in the short time we have been a part of this ministry, it has completely destroyed our life as we knew it.  Our world view, our family, our marriage, our hearts; everything has changed.  And that’s a good thing.  The following are a few of the lessons we’ve learned along the way.

1)      God is God, and I am not.  When we choose to love a child that is in state custody, so much is out of our control.  Foster parents have very few rights in regards to decisions being made on behalf of the children in their care.  So unlike with our own children, there is not even the illusion of control over their lives.  But here’s why that’s not such a bad thing.  Because we as humans are incredibly selfish.  We will seek out the things that increase our own comfort.  And we see such a small part of the picture of the lives of these children.  On the contrary, God is Sovereign.  Not only does He see the big picture, but He acts and moves according to His Glory and according to His Love for us and for these kids.  I am learning to trust in His Sovereignty and so glad that He is Faithful and has never once let any of his good promises fail.

2)      God does indeed sometimes give us more than we can handle.  We have personally experienced being “in over our heads,” so we know for a fact that this trendy doctrine that God wouldn’t want us to suffer is an outright lie.  But here’s the thing, the suffering that comes our way is not meant to separate us from God, but to draw us closer to him.  When we are handed a burden that we cannot bear on our own, we must learn to depend on someone much bigger, much stronger, and much more capable than ourselves to stand up under it.  And when those hard times come, and we lean in to him, we find that He is indeed big enough, and strong enough to see us through.

3)      God is faithful, trustworthy, loving, and good.  In these past few months, we have seen God come through for us more times than we can even recount.  I have been absolutely blown away by how personally and perfectly he pursues me and loves me right when where I need Him most.  This lesson is very personal, and words fail me.  But I am simply amazed by Jesus. 

4)      The lives of my children have been deeply affected by this.  Probably our biggest concern going in to foster care was wondering how it would affect our own children.  And they have indeed been affected.  They have hurt, they have struggled, they have shed tears.  They have dealt with new levels of being angry, frustrated, jealous, annoyed, and overwhelmed.  BUT….. in all of that, they have seen their great need for Jesus.  AND, they have seen Him work on their behalf.  The times where we have been wise enough to guide them in asking God for help to love, God has come through for them every time.  HE has changed their hearts and helped them in ways only God can.  Because of this, they have developed a greater capacity to love. a greater capacity to hurt and to heal, to need help and to give it.  and this is a very good thing.   

5)      Ultimately, these kids are not ours.  As a matter of fact, our own biological children are not ours either.  As parents, and foster parents, we must come to the realization that these are God’s children first.  We are just called to be stewards of them for a short time.  For some of them, that time will be shorter than others.  But that difference between ownership and stewardship is a good thing.  Because of God’s grace, my children are able to be more than just the sum of my successes and failures, or in the case of our foster children, someone else’s decisions.  God loves them way more than we do, and because HE loves them wholly and perfectly, they get to be who HE created them to be. 

6)      Car seats are overrated.  Wait, what? Where did that come from?  Yeah, you heard me.  This is indeed a life-changing lesson.  During our time in foster care, and parenting in general, I have shuffled more car seats in and out of our vehicles than I even care to count.  Shuffled is a loose term.  I really mean wrestled with.  Every time it is a battle to get them buckled, strapped, latched, and fit into the car in just the right configuration for the mix of kids that will be getting into and out of them on that particular day.  Part of the frustration is that the maximum seating capacity of a full size Chevy suburban can be drastically reduced from 8 to 4 or 5 because of these evil contraptions.  I seriously long for the days when all of my cousins and I would pile in the back of my grandpas SUV and seatbelts were truly optional. And even before my time, babies sat in the laps of parents or older kids, and families would travel hundreds of miles down the highway at 80 miles an hour with no seatbelts or DVDs and just enjoy the open road.  But I digress.  In all seriousness though, I have learned that with all the heaviness that foster care brings, you must learn to laugh in the chaos.  You must have a sense of humor if you’re going to deal with the sadness.  And you must learn to laugh at yourself as you’re pouring sweat, wrestling with mammoth size car seats in tiny spaces. 

7)      The foster care system is indeed broken.  But there’s not going to be a perfect system to fix brokenness.  Any time you’re dealing with people, there will be imperfection, and among the broken, I am chief.  I had no idea that a full-grown adult could be so easily unraveled to their core by a 3 year old.  Foster care has exposed our family to the depths of the mess in this world.  We have experienced the consequences of sin in these children, in these families, and in our own hearts.  When put under enough stress, a person’s true self will be exposed, and in our case, it has been ugly.   But, the ugliness has caused us to better appreciate the beauty and the depth of God’s grace.  We have experienced the gospel in a deeper and more tangible way as we been a part of the mess, and as we trust in the promise of the restoration.

8)      Never say never.  I wonder sometimes if there is any other word that makes the Lord move in our lives quicker than the word, “Never.” We said we would never want to be foster parents because we didn’t know if we could handle saying goodbye.  We said we would never put foster children in daycare because we didn’t think that was good for them.  We said we would never put foster children in respite because we didn’t think it was necessary.  We said we would never disrupt a placement because of how hard it is on these kids.  WELL…… God has a way sometimes of breaking your pride.  We have now done all of these things we said we would never do.  We decided to foster children because God showed us how selfish we were not to. We put our foster daughter in daycare because it actually turned out to be what was best for her.  We have asked for respite because we found out we did indeed need a break.  And we had to disrupt a placement because we found out that there is such a thing as too much.  So, my advice would be to only say “never” if you fully intend to do just that thing. 

9)      Emotions are completely unreliable guides for life.  Foster care is such a roller coaster of emotion.  Ups and downs, twists and turns.  And in those moments, I will not be able to get my heart off the ride.  But I don’t have to act how I feel.  I can use my head to act in accordance with the truth of God’s Word regardless of what I feel.  I cannot make myself be happy about a parent’s decision or about a judge’s decision, but I can choose to trust in God’s sovereignty and rest in it.  I cannot make myself stop being annoyed with a child’s frustrating behaviors, but I can choose to be patient because God is patient with me.  I cannot manufacture affection for a child I am not yet attached to, but I can choose to love because God first loved me. 


10)   Foster care is inherently linked with hurt. and loss.  My heart might just break.  But if it has to bleed a bit for Jesus, I’m ok with that, because he first bled for me. 

dating advice

Some dating advice for any of you young'ns who might be interested.......

When Rob and I were dating, I was still living at home, and my dad had this crazy rule called a curfew. Well, since I was an adult it was really more of a strong suggestion, but he always said that "nothing good happens after dark." And I was so annoyed by that. So annoyed that I did not care to honor his wishes.

But once Rob found out about this rule, he held me to it. Not perfectly, but he was intentional about making sure I was home by 10 from that point on. And I still remember his exact words during that conversation. He said, "until you're my wife, we need to honor your dad's wishes."

And while I was annoyed by it then, I love him for it now. Because now that I AM his wife, those same values of protection and honor look different. It looks like making me go to the doctor when I need to get better. It looks like letting me go on a mommy road trip when I need to get away. It looks like stepping in to take over the discipline of an unruly child when he can tell I'm overwhelmed. It looks like asking me how he can pray for me. It looks like considering my feelings and my schedule before he schedules an outing with the guys. And it looks like him still doing things to honor my parents.

Ladies, watch for these things when you're dating. A guy who will honor your father's role of protecting and leading his daughter, will be an honorable and protective leader when you're his wife.

you just never know

Today's lesson. Less judging others, more praying for them.

I mean, hypothetically speaking, if you ever happen to hear a woman yelling at her child at the community pool, pray for her. Because you might not know that earlier that day, that same child and his mom had already spent all of their patience and obedience and stress tolerance at the doctors office during an unexpected hour and a half wait. Or that they were maxed out on their threshold of stress for that day, and every day before that for several months bc of whatever reason. Or that having reached their threshold, they then went past it when they were met with the disappointment of first world problems like the whirlpool and fountains not being turned on at said community pool until the very moment after the mom said it was time for her child to get out. And that the mom was trying to corral 3 other children to the car. And that moments later, that same mom would be apologizing to her kids.

So when you see that kid throw a fit, don't judge. Pray. And when you hear that mom lose her cool and in a moment of fearful anger call her kid a jerk and yell at him to stop it, don't judge. Pray.

Because you don't know what that mom and child have been through that day, or what they're headed home to. And you don't know when that mom and child might be you.

where the grass is greener

where the grass is greener:

(the following post is both actual and metaphorical.)

3 years ago, God provided this home for our family. just like any home, it has its great things and its not-so-great things. it has a lot of space, but also a lot of things that need fixing. it has a lot of yard, but also very little grass and absolutely no landscaping. and while we are certainly thankful for all the great things about the house, as humans, we tend to become wrapped up in our discontentment with the not-so-great things, so the lack of grass has been a source of frustration for us. rob has researched the best kinds of grass, we have priced sod, planted seed, removed trees, compared options, and dreamed big. we have also quite honestly coveted many of our neighbors yards. but like all things, grass is time and money. both of which we always seem to run short on. and in truth, its not that we're short on them, but that we have chosen to use those resources for other things. like food. for our children. but I digress.

anyways, these last couple months I have noticed something. regardless of our not-so-green thumbs, the grass is actually starting to grow. and I think its because it's getting water! haha. amazing how that works! but we didn't put in a fancy sprinkler system. instead, we took on two extra toddlers who love to play in the sprinkler. we have spent more time in the front yard in the last 3 months than we have in the last 3 years combined. much of that time with the water on. and slowly, but surely, those little runners of greenness are trying to take over our yard.

now don't get me wrong. the weeds are certainly present. and there is a lot more ground to cover, and I am not by any stretch of the imagination saying it will EVER be ready for Better Homes and Gardens. nor am I saying we can leave the yard unattended. there is a lot of work to be done, always. BUT..... I will say that as we have reluctantly but willfully put aside our efforts to build our own kingdom in order to further God's kingdom, it's been amazing to watch HIM make the grass grow anyways. and it will always be greener, where it gets water.

dog days of summer

And so it begins. Summer. Where boredom meets creativity, causing mommas of boys everywhere to take a collective gasp. I look over from my chair, and there's my eldest, sitting on a ladder, calling the play by play of a scooter race. From the part that clearly states, "do not sit here."

BUT...... If I go over there and get on to him for sitting there, I have yet again stifled his creativity and that game will be over. So at this moment I am choosing to risk a backwards fall from 4 ft in favor of him building relationships with his siblings. In favor of his freedom to entertain himself. In favor of me not being the dancing monkey all summer. In favor of not getting on to him for something I told him to do 2 minutes ago, which was to "find something to do."

Now..... With that said, if the ladder were six or seven feet, my decision would change in favor of not having to find a babysitter while I take said eldest to the emergency room.

So. The struggle is here, mommas, and the struggle is real. But let us talk to Jesus in it. He will lead us in these decisions.

And in case you were wondering..... He didn't fall off the ladder, but also no one won the race, because bc both racers crashed and burned on turn 5 on the last lap. No ER visits, just bandaids and cold water. And the play by play guy sure did look like he was having fun waving the flag.

i love watching you

For you mommas (and daddies) who might need some encouragement this morning, I hope you might find some here:

I'm not gonna lie, this week has been a rough one for our family. The Lord called on us to take in the 3 year old sibling of the 2 year old we've been caring for just shy of 3 months. This was the hardest decision we've have ever made, but made it knowing it was right and trusting God to provide.

And it's been a rough go of it. Adjusting to new sleep schedules and new room assignments, new personalities and new family dynamics, more stress and behavior regression on all counts. I've lost count of the number of temper tantrums and fits, mine and theirs. Graham even referred to dinner as a "battleground" last night because of the new noise level. I concur with that assessment.

yesterday afternoon as I was watching the kids play in the sprinkler, I was seriously questioning our ability and our sanity and God's sovereignty. I was beating myself up over my sin nature, truly doubting whether or not what we're giving these kids is enough. Are we truly doing any good here, or are we just making it worse?

As I was watching them play, I called Graham over to encourage him, and said, "I love watching you playing together and having fun. Thank you for loving them."

And then I immediately felt the whisper of my Father, well, more of a shout really, speaking those same words over me. "I love watching you playing together and having fun. Thank you for loving them."

Enter tears of humility and grace. I was floored. That he would delight in me, doing his perfect work imperfectly.

So, whatever kind of week you've had with your kiddos, regardless of the stress you're under, or the behaviors you're dealing with, His grace is sufficient in your weakness. Regardless of how many kids you have or how many mistakes you've made, He delights in watching you love them.

Isaiah 40:11
"He will tend his flock like a shepherd, he will gather the lambs in his arms, he will carry them in his bosom and gently lead those that are with young."

dancing in grace

A small miracle happened in our house tonight. It came in the form of a bedtime story. A simple game of ring-around-the-rosy, and a bedtime story.
As some of you know , the last 6 weeks have been quite an adjustment for us, having taken in a busy, bubbly, 2 year old foster daughter. They have been especially trying for Graham. Even though there is a 5 year gap between the two, he is still our baby, so some natural jealousy and frustration has reared its ugly head. On top of that, the boys have been adjusting to sharing a room, as well as getting less sleep. And that too has been ugly.

On top of that, this is the second time Graham has taken the brunt of the adjustment to a foster placement. The last time we fostered, Graham was 3, and we took in a 3 year old girl. They were 6 weeks apart and fought like cats and dogs for four straight months. After that, we were so afraid his little heart might not be able to handle this again.

I mean, in the big scheme of things, the sacrifices our family is making are not really "suffering," but I'm sure it feels like that to a 3 year old, or a 7 year old. Feels like that to me sometimes too. And it's really hard to watch your kids "suffer," knowing it was your decision to put them through this.

And teaching them to love someone who is hard to love is not easy. Teaching them that sometimes they themselves are the ones who are hard to love is even harder. Teaching them that God loves us when we are hard to love suddenly becomes a lot more meaningful.

And then, teaching them that we can ask God for help with hard things. And then praying to him and putting His reputation on the line and having to actually wait for his answer is a little scary. Because I can't really help my kids Love. I can teach them to apologize, problem solve, and even how to say kind words, but I can't give them love to love with.

But God can. And he has. And tonight I shed tears of joy and pride over it as I sat and listened to Graham read our new little one a bedtime story. Because he wanted to and because he asked if he could. They had played ring around the rosy, wrestled, chased each other, and giggled their little heads off right up until bedtime. Then he asked if she could sit in his lap. Then he wanted to walk her to bed, and read her a bedtime story, and tell her good night, and his was the last face she saw today.

A week ago I was thinking they might not ever get along. I was entertaining thoughts like, "maybe this wasn't a good idea." "Maybe we weren't ready." "Maybe the kids are still not old enough." "Maybe we're not cut out for this."

And tonight I rejoice because guess what? We're NOT cut out for this. But GOD IS!!!!

And as if he hadn't already proven it to me enough, he does answer prayer. He does hear us when we call for help. He does give us everything we need to do his work. He does work miracles. And he is here with us!

Not to say we're done with hard. Or with fighting, or frustration. I mean, what's family without sibling rivalry?
BUT..... we can love others (even when it's hard) because he first loved us!

raw footage. and good news.

seems like everywhere you look these days there is more and more bad news. especially in this season of social media, we have access to a mind-numbing quantity of information - videos, memes, facts, opinions, news, and the raw footage of life.  with #nofilter.  and most of this raw footage leaves us feeling discouraged and hopeless.  i find myself thinking "man this world is so messed up," and "come quickly Lord Jesus" more days that not.  hope is hard to come by. 

so that's what i want to do here. offer hope.  some good news for a change.  and i found this hope in a most unexpected place - my own marriage. 

i wouldn't expect to find hope here, because there's so much raw footage.  not as much for the highlight reels and a ton of scenes that could really use some editing, some redos, or just complete deleting of certain scenes.  in our marriage, it looks like a lot of dirty laundry, and even more dirty dishes.  there is fighting and making up.  (not the knock down drag out kind, but man, if looks could kill.)  a ton of disagreements and a few glorious moments of unity.  taking turns doing routine chores.  taking turns picking youtube music videos after kids go to bed, and enduring every other one with a smile.  appreciation for the other's cooking, burnt or not.  some days of joyfully serving the other in sickness.  some days bitterly.  some days willingly giving a night out to the other.  some days begrudgingly.  lots of good intentions and broken promises.  hurtful truths revealed. hearty laughs shared.  lots of diapers changed, discipline administered, and parenting decisions made.  lots of good teamwork and lots of feeling alone.  lots of encouragement and lots of questioning the others' judgement.  lots of talking adn lots of silence.  lots of wondering and lots of prayer.  lots of successes and lots of mistakes, and lots of uno, skip-bo, and yahtzee. 

sin? yes.  but also lots of forgiveness given and grace received.

C.S. Lewis described it this way: "Love as distinct from 'being in love' is not merely a feeling.  It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask, and receive from God." 


i've heard some describe marriage as sanctifying.  my husband said it was that in the sense that you are learning to love someone to the point of laying down your life for them, as Christ loved the church.  and in the case of marriage, this is usually a living sacrifice.  daily dying to self to serve another. 

but where is the hope in constantly dying?  i mean, death is a very raw and ugly scene.  and the death of Jesus was no exception.  to find that hope we have to look to His resurrection.   the raw footage of an empty tomb.  now that's good news!!!  because the very power that raised him from the dead gives us the ability to lay down ourselves and find LIFE.  without the resurrection, the cross is without hope,  and my marriage is nothing more than co-dependent survival.  but with Jesus' victory over death, we have LIFE and life abundant! 

i know, i know.  random thoughts that  probably look more like a pile of dirty laundry than sense, but i am just so dog gone thankful.  thankful for dirty dishes and clean ones.  thankful for fun days and routine ones.  thankful for a husband who serves and a God who saves!




Luke 9:23 " And he said to all, 'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.  For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it."

Ephesians 5:25 "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish."

the bucket list of parenting

we're here, fostering this little girl, 3 weeks in to a journey without a clear timeframe for an end. It could end tomorrow or months from now. But it's just long enough to reevaluate what's really important. What must we give this little life in the time she's with us? And for that matter, what things are important for my own kids in the short time I have them? Cuz the truth is, that could end tomorrow as well. We are only promised today. So what is really important?

1) A safe place to sleep and play.
Or at least safe and comforting arms to run into when they fall down or have nightmares.

2) Food. Always with the food. Lots and lots of food. Healthy meals and not so healthy ones. Hearty ones and snacks. Vitamins of the veggies and the sweetness of dessert. They need both.

3) Clothing. Protection from their nakedness and from the elements. And this has to be replaced often based on how well they consume #2.

4) Boundaries. And appropriate discipline to hold those boundaries in place. They need to know they have purpose and that we want them close even though they desire to wander.

5) Affection. Hugs and kisses and tickles and fist bumps and high fives and smiles and kind words and then some more. And then again. A flood of it even. These little sponges can never soak in enough of this, but the more they soak in, the more they can squeeze out onto others.

6) Someone to listen. Someone to listen first and attentively and like the story they have to tell matters.

7) A Hand to Hold. Whether to cross the street or to face a fear, they need to know they're not alone.

And then this also got me thinking. This is what we ALL need, on a physical and spiritual level. All of it. And this is who Jesus is for us. All of it!

Thank you Jesus for the promise of Psalm 23. You are our Perfect Shepherd, and a Good Father!!!

Evidence of God's grace in my life: This morning as I was getting up and ready for the day, I was talking to God about how hard foster care is. After only a week, I am coming face to face with my own selfishness and wanting my life and my comfort level and my family "back to normal." And then I hear some little voices talking in the back bedroom, 30 minutes earlier than I was supposed to be hearing voices. I headed back there frustrated that my coffee and quiet time was not going to happen this morning, and determined to try and put little bodies back in their beds. I see Skylar there, and I asked her what they were doing. She said little bit had gotten up and woke her up and was playing with her stuff. So instead of coming to get me and whining about how she didn't want her in there, she got up and turned on the light in her room and opened her toy box so they could play together.

I was floored. Here I was complaining to God about things, and here was my daughter, joyfully serving, despite her inconvenience.

People, let me tell you. Foster care is hard indeed. But it is also good. It is good for the children who need good homes, and it is good for the children, (and mommas) who already have them. It is not natural at all. And it is sad that it is necessary, but "where the ideal is lacking, grace abounds."

So....... If you've thought about foster care, but are worried about how it will affect your own children, let me encourage you to think harder. It WILL affect your children! And that might just be a good thing!

dream come true

I am humbled and blessed to have had a dream come true.  With the Lord's blessing and strength, I was able to self-publish my first book in December.  This was an amazing journey for me for so many reasons.  Although it was something I've always wanted to do, writing a book was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I learned a ton about proverbs 31, but in addition, I learned a lot about myself.  I learned that I am an infant when it comes to perseverance.  I learned that I am impatient, and not good at finishing things I start.  I learned a little more about dependence on God and about abiding in the Lord.  There were so many days I would sit down to write and just think, "Nothin', I got nothin'. "  And then I would pray.  "God, this book is yours.  It was your idea and it is to your glory, so if you want me to finish it, you're gonna have to give it to me."  And everyday, he would be faithful to show me something new.  He gave me the words and the wisdom piece by piece, in HIS time. 

And I learned that's that how I'm supposed to live my life.  Everyday coming before him, confessing, "Lord, I got nothin'.  I can't do this on my own.  I was your idea and I am to your glory, so if you want me to do this thing, you're gonna have to do it in me and through me."  And what's always so amazing is that HE DOES.  He is faithful.  He gives us this LIFE abundantly, piece by piece, day by day, moment by moment.  When we abide in Him, He lives in and through us!  What a beautiful miracle.  Thank you Jesus!


PS - for anyone interested: book is available at this link or on amazon:
http://bookstore.westbowpress.com/Products/SKU-001054091/The-Proverbs-31-Hero.aspx

sports "rant"

Warning: Sports rant of sorts.....There are a lot of things about youth recreational sports that are unfair and unfun. Like some kids sitting the bench a significantly larger amount of time than others, like parents having to pay to get in to their kids games, and like obnoxious parents yelling really mean things at their kids from the stands. HOWEVER, we will continue to let our kids play if they so choose for these reasons:
1) that's life. Life is most often unfair and unfun and we must learn to adapt and make the most of it. And we have to learn how to deal with difficult people. And we have to learn how to appreciate the grace others extend when we're the ones being difficult.
2) sports are mostly fun. We play to have fun. We play to learn how to enjoy things new and different, things we're good at and things we're not. Things like winning and friends and good plays and silly plays and and post game oatmeal cream pies.
3) Sports allow our kids to be a part of a team. They learn to work together with others and for others. They learn to share glory and share defeat, to share hard work and to share goofiness. They learn to be committed even when they don't want to go. They learn that others are counting on them.
4) Sports help our kids learn self-evaluation. They're not going to be the best at everything, or sometimes at anything. But they're probably not going to be the worst either. And even if they are, they have more than just skill to offer.
5) They learn the importance of hustle, and hard work, and being supportive even from the bench. And hopefully, we pray that they learn that their joy and their fun should not be determined by the scoreboard, but by the attitude and heart with which they play.

BUT.... In order for our kids to learn these lessons, we must first demonstrate them. Parents, seriously, we have got to stop whining about the bad and start celebrating the good. Sports are a gift from a good father. Let's treat them that way!