a tale of two brothers

one of the best pieces of parenting advice i have ever heard is this: dating is not what prepares your kids for marriage - it's their sibling relationships.

i have thought so much about that over the last couple years and am becoming more convinced every day that it's true.

exhibit a: these two brothers. they have been fighting like cats and dogs for about 18 months straight now. they have moments where they like each other, but lately those are becoming fewer and farther between. to the point where i have started looking at places to rent. for me. to get out. (kidding, not kidding)


anyways, i have started talking to them, especially the older one, about how their relationship is so much like marriage. as in, they're stuck with each other, so they can make the best of it, or be miserable. about how both compliments and criticism are contagious. about how if they focus on the other's failures, they will end up fighting each other in hatred, but if they focus on each other's strengths, they will grow in thankfulness and love towards each other. and about how if it's gonna get any better, one of them is gonna have to humble themselves and put the other's needs first.

our older son is leaving for a mission trip on Saturday. a couple weeks ago i finally told him he had no business driving 13 hours to tell people about Jesus if he couldn't show Jesus to his own brother. and that his first mission was his family. i encouraged him to find 3 ways he could serve his brother before he leaves, including planning and paying for a date for just the two of them.

"but mom, what are we supposed to do?"
"well, if you were taking a girl on a date, what would you do?"
"i would take her to do something she likes, and her favorite place to eat."
"ok so why should this be any different? think about where your brother would like to go. what would he want to do?"
"well, he likes bowling. and he likes starbucks. i guess i could take him to do that. how much does that cost?"

and on went the planning. and today was the date. and it was so fun watching them. and at the end, big brother said, "mom, i think that's the most fun i've ever had bowling."

yeah. it's amazing how much more fun life is when we're not focused on self.

but y'all. it was so good. i loved hearing him think through what someone else's desires would be. such a simple activity, but as i watched all this play out, i watched their relationship slowly change. i watched as glares turned to smiles, and punches turned to handshakes. i watched as their hearts softened towards one another.

watching them today has challenged me again in my own marriage. little acts of kindness go a long way.

i am so thankful for wise people who speak truth into our marriage and our parenting. and i am so praying that these will be lessons that will last with our kids that they can take into their future families.

not alone

Anxiety and Depression are real. And our family battles with them every day. So if you’re like us, we just want you to know you’re not alone.

While we do not understand where these evils come from (whether it’s chemical, physical, emotional, or spiritual - Probably all of the above resulting from the fall of man in a broken world), the truth is that they are just as real as cancer, and you are no less valuable or in need of help if you suffer from them.

The devil has used this mental illness on many occasions to try to destroy me and my family. It nearly took my life as a teenager, my sanity as a young mother, and my marriage during some difficult times. And in this season of life, I am watching it attack my children. I have seen it cause them to curl up in balls in the hallways of public places. I have seen it push their behavior spiraling out of control. At times, I have watched them be physically ill, cry, scream, and crumble, all while not being able to snap my fingers and fix it.


BUT God.

While the devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy, Jesus has come that we might have life and have it abundantly. This thorn in our flesh is ugly, but it is not without roses. Our God is faithful and He provides every step of our way. He has provided counseling, knowledge, patient school teachers, a move to a simpler life and countless understanding friends. And He provides Himself. I have almost begun to see this curse as a gift, because it forces me closer to HIM.

He provides His Word and His Spirit to empower us in Healing and in good deeds. “We are hard pressed, but not crushed. Persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed.” Because He is Bigger. So we continue to place ourselves under the fountain of His Word to be renewed. We take our kids to this well and we draw from it. And sometimes we dance in it. And we continue to be amazed at how he uses us despite our imperfections. Thank you Jesus for your never ending GRACE!

“Whoever believes in me as the scriptures have said, streams of living water will flow from within him.” John 7:38

dusty trophies

I’m a firstborn. A bit of a perfectionist, and an achiever. And I am parenting one who is just like me.

Last night I attended an awards banquet with this child. And as I expected, the ride home was solemn. He didn’t receive any of the awards he was hoping for, so he was disappointed. The reason this was no surprise to me is because I remember so many times being in his shoes. Trying to act like it didn’t bother me that I “only” got this or that, or that I wasn’t recognized for a certain thing. I knew I shouldn’t be pouty, and should be thankful to just get to participate, but it bothered me when I didn’t take home the hardware. What I didn’t realize until now was that even if had won them all, it would never have been enough.

So when we got home last night, I simply took my son into my bedroom, pointed to the top of my closet and said, “what do you see?”

“A box.”
“And what’s in it?”
“Your awards I guess.”
“And do you notice where it is?”
“In the top of your closet?”
“Exactly.”

Every single trophy, medal, and plaque I ever earned is in a box in the top of my closet. 20 years past my prime and every single recognizable achievement is hidden where no one sees, and no one cares, not even me. It was no small collection, and yet there it sits collecting dust.

I pleaded with my son, “be smarter than your mom. Don’t find your value or worth in these things like I did. The highs of recognition are addicting, but don’t satisfy. And twenty years from now, you will still be searching for worth if you are looking for it here. Your worth my son has already been determined, so don’t fall into this trap like I did.”

As I sent him to bed with those thoughts, I was thankful that the Lord has used the thanklessness of motherhood to slowly change the achiever in me.

Today, my son received a very special and unexpected honor in front of a large crowd. Tonight, I think I will take him back to my closet and point at the same box. Because whether the emotion is disappointment, or elation, the lesson is the same - we work hard FROM our worth, not FOR it.