here's me

So here's me.

There have only been a handful of times in my life where I have actually felt beautiful. And anytime a camera comes out I am usually desperately looking for someone to hide behind.

But these last few years, as Jesus has pursued me relentlessly, He is winning me over to the TRUTH that I am indeed beautiful. And He is the one in whom I hide. This is a gospel, a good news, that I must continually preach to myself.

Some days, I merely have to bring my mind back to His Word as I face the disclosures of reality in the mirror. The bushy eyebrows, the 20 extra pounds around my waist, the puffiness under my chin, my cluelessness when it comes to my hair and fashion.............. "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."
Psalm 139:13-14

Some days, I have to speak out loud these truths as I hear the utterances of my failures. My short temper, my selfishness, my temptation to withdraw from my husband, my cluelessness when it comes to parenting my kids........... Thank you Jesus that '"[you have loved me with an everlasting love. You have continued your faithfulness to me.]" Jeremiah 31:3

Some days, I even have to shout His grace over the declarations of my own pride. My confidence in my own abilities, my comparing myself to others, my forgetfulness or just my refusal to ask or accept His help......... "Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God." 2 Corinthians 3:4-5

And most everyday, this: "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4

So here's me......... comfortable in my blue jeans and my own skin, with all my fears and failures, preaching to myself that I am beautiful ..... because of Jesus.

"happy" new year

Today I find myself dissatisfied. Something about January that does this to me every year. I want to get healthier, reduce debt, dress nicer, be a better parent, a better spouse, a better homemaker. I want to lose 20 pounds, be able to run farther, for my skin to look younger, to add several new outfits to my wardrobe, to love my husband and kids better, and add several colors of new paint to several rooms in my home.

Slowly but surely, I am finding out though that it will never be enough. There is nothing wrong with any of these in and of themselves, but as long as my goal is to become a better version of myself, by doing and getting more, I will ALWAYS be dissatisfied.

But what if my goal is to look more like Jesus? No amount of probiotics or makeup, or cross fit or parenting classes or clothes or paint or even shiplap will get me closer to Jesus. Only Jesus can make me look like Jesus. And I am so thankful that He pursues me. I get to stop DOING and just start BEING His child. And maybe that happens when He pulls me up in His lap and sings over me. maybe it happens as He speaks into the stillness of a quiet house at 6 am. maybe it happens as He reminds me of His Word as I look in the mirror and see all the things I don't like. when He whispers wisdom into the kids' crises everyday, or when he gives me gratitude for all the little things I love about my husband. When He listens to me pour out my heart to him as I run, or as I paint a room, or as I wash the dishes.

It's in these moments, in HIS presence, and only here, where I will find satisfaction.

"Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you....
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods..."
Psalm 63: 3, 5a