my rescue

Someone told me the other day that people needed to hear my part of God's story. so here's a small glimpse of just that:

While I have known about Jesus my whole life, I have also struggled with depression and anxiety as far back as I can remember. when I was 9, I remember melting into a puddle of tears, telling my daddy I thought I was ugly. when I was 12, I remember putting my head down on my desk in my 6th grade class, thinking everyone hated me. when I was 13 and 14, I seriously considered suicide many nights, and even I even gave my church youth group a scare by sneaking out of my cabin at a state park camp out one night. I didn't know where I was going, I just knew I wanted someone to find me and love me. when I was 15, I had decided I would be an atheist, because Jesus was really more like Santa Clause and would eventually disappoint, or so I thought.....

that is.... until I actually met him. or he met me rather. on July 15, 1995, I heard Jesus calling my name. I was at a youth camp with my friends, but I specifically heard him speaking to ME, saying, "Erin, I'm real. and I love you. I came to save you and I want to be with you." I gave my life to Christ that night and things have never been the same.

now don't get me wrong when I say things have never been the same, I don't mean I have never struggled with anything ever again. I still fight with anxiety and depression EVERY DAY. up until I had kids, the depression manifested in withdrawal and sadness, lots of tears for no reason, just a big cloud of gray over my head all the time. since having kids, it has looked more like anger. after our second child was born, it looked like post partum depression and me calling my husband at work and telling him he needed to come home right now before I hurt one of our babies. after our third child, it looked more like panic attacks, becoming easily overwhelmed, not being able to make small decisions, etc.

these days, now that the kids are older and not so demanding, my battles are more subtle, and take place mostly in my mind. I am constantly having to remind myself that I don't have to act how I feel. but when put under even the smallest amount of pressure, those anxieties bubble to the surface and get ugly. I freeze making decisions, I get overwhelmed with messes, I often don't know where to start tackling new tasks, I make excuses not to try anything new or different or unfamiliar, I don't handle change well, I hate crowds, and decisions, and anything that doesn't involve a plan.
this morning even, it looked like me being frustrated with our firstborn and fussing at him because he didn't plan ahead and not being able to help him at the last minute for something that was supposed to be fun because I HATE being rushed and can't think on my feet. and then I'm suddenly being mean to everyone just because I am anxious.

The source of all this anxiety/depression is still unclear to me. There are several things at play and it seems to linger somewhere in the gray area that includes genetics, being a product of my environment and diet, the brokenness of man living in a fallen world, and my own sin. Wrestling with this reminds me of the disciples question to Jesus about the blind man: "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him." (John 9:3) So the source of my trials are not as important to me as the deliverance from them. With that, enough about me. Let me tell you about the work God has done in me.

Jesus is a healer. He is a deliverer, a rescuer, a savior, a hero. But his healing and deliverance on this side of heaven looks different to different people. There were some who came to Jesus and he touched them and they were healed. Others he just spoke the words, "Get up and walk," and they did. One woman was healed after reaching out and just touching the very edge of his clothes! And Paul was told after begging for years for healing from a "thorn in the flesh" that God's grace would be sufficient for him.
When I was 10, Jesus brought healing in the form of my daddy's loving arms wrapped around me telling me I was beautiful. When I was 12, God provided a 6th grade teacher pulling me into the hallway and disregarding the rules as a public school teacher to remind me of how much Jesus loved me. When I was 13 and 14, God gave a patient and understanding youth minister and countless loving mentors, and many compassionate church friends who accepted me just the way I was. When I was 15, God offered his salvation from sin that was paid for on the cross by the precious blood of my Jesus. And since that day, He has been my healing in daily sanctification, being made more like him every day.

When I was in college, His deliverance came in the gift of 6 months of free counseling that provided me with some tools to deal with life on a regular basis. during my post-partum depression, He showed up on my doorstep in the form of a friend who came to check on me and hold my babies so I could vacuum my living room. after our third child, God provided healing in the form of medication which helped me function during those years when the kids were so little and the demands of mommy-hood would have otherwise swallowed me up. after our move to Tyler, God provided healing and rest in another year of counseling. All along the way, God's gracious, loving, and healing touch has been extended to me through countless friends, always pointing me back to Jesus. And probably the most effective instrument of God’s healing and rescue in my life has been my ever-so-patient husband. For almost 20 years now he has been my constant friend, and safe refuge. his faithful discernment has helped me navigate daily decisions. his imperfections have helped me look to Jesus to be the only one who can perfectly satisfy. his patience, his humility, and his servant’s heart have challenged my anxiousness, pride, and selfishness. Even just this morning, God used Rob to administer both grace and conviction, when he leaned in to give me a hug, even when I was being a jerk to everyone in the house.

So God’s healing for me has come in many forms. Some days it comes as I preach His Word to myself, bringing truth, clarity, and understanding to those ever constant battles in my mind. Other times, I gain power for the day as I just reach out for the edge of His presence. Sometimes, he sends counselors or friends who can speak truth to me and tell me to “Get up, and keep walking.” Other times, He just holds me. Sometimes, he puts me in the boat and saves me from the flood. Other days, he calls me out of the boat to walk on the waves. Sometimes, he pulls me up out of the flames, and other times, he stands with me in the fire.

But ALWAYS and for every trial, His Grace is Sufficient. NEVER ONCE have I walked through any of this alone! EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, my rescuer, Jesus, has been with me extending grace, providing healing, loving me!!!!  ALWAYS, “It is God who works in me to will and to act according to HIS good purpose.” And today and for that I GIVE HIM THE GLORY!!!

getting too attached

Warning: strong emotion may exist in this post.

People tell me all the time that they couldn't foster because they don't think they could handle letting go.

I just want to share with you this morning that that is absolutely FALSE. So the following are my reasons why you could let go, and my plea to you to rethink whether or not God might be calling your family to this ministry:

1) if I can let go, so can you. Before rob and I started fostering, I said the same thing. "I don't want to foster because I couldn't handle saying goodbye." Well folks, be careful what you say you'll never do. The Lord has changed our hearts in so many ways in this process and that was one of them. He showed us our selfishness and we have now let go twice. And yes it hurts like heck, but we've done it by God's grace, and so can you. He says that His "grace is sufficient" and and that He will comfort us, and we can trust that.

2) When God promised his "peace that passes all understanding," he wasn't kidding. I don't like the way the system works all the time, but I can rest in God's Sovereignty, and in His hand being on these children who are His first. And the peace we have about their lives is truly a mystery, and a blessing.

3) in some ways, the letting go comes with relief. These children come from hard places, and they come with a lot of emotional and physical baggage, and I'm not gonna lie, sometimes that burden is really heavy. Caring for these kids is not easy. Yes, they're cute, and precious, and it's so rewarding, but it's also a lot of work. So when they leave, a part of you is glad to finally take a deep breath, or sit in a quiet house, or be able to sleep through the night or take a nap.

4) if you became a foster parent, you might indeed get "too attached." But guess what? That's exactly what these kiddos need. Because of abuse and neglect, many of them have never been able to develop healthy attachment skills or loving bonds with any adults in their life. Someone who might get "too attached" is exactly what they need to learn how to trust other humans, and ultimately, to trust God.

5) what's the alternative for these children? If people like you and me don't step up and care for these kids, the alternative is often times a cold, hard, CPS office floor. or a shelter. Or a crowded house with pseudo-parents who are just looking for a check. Or at best a children's home where they will see only a small part of what God intended family to be.

6) God let go. He let go of His Son for us. To reconcile us to himself. And Jesus let go of His Father, and "for the joy set before him, endured the cross." What an amazing way to experience the gospel and be ministers of reconciliation in our broken world.

So..... there are lots of reasons not to become a foster family. Like maybe you just don't like kids, or you have your hands full with young children of your own, or you don't have enough room in your house, or you're heavily investing your time in another great ministry.

But please, I beg you, don't let getting too attached be your reason. You'll be missing out. And so will they.