i'm just needing a minute today to bare my heart today. this will be raw, unedited, and probably rambling, but some days i just need an honest outlet.
and you would think after having had two placements of our own, that our children would be fans of this idea. because it's not as long-term, usually only just a few days. it's much lower on the level of commitment, time, and energy, and in general, just much easier. things do get a little crazy having extra littles sometimes, but after 3-4 days of busy, they go back home and you get to back to your "regularly scheduled program." after all, it seems as though every other foster and adoptive family we know seems to be living "happily ever after."
but 2/3 of our children are still resistant to us taking in extra kiddos. this last time we provided respite, when i informed our kids we would be keeping a 20 month old for 8 days, 2 of them immediately put their heads down in disappointment. my daughter then looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "mom..... i just want to be done."
i could tell by the look on her face that no amount of "focusing on the positives" was going to fix how she truly felt.
a couple weeks later, a precious, cute-as-can-be 20 month old girl was brought to our door and left to stay for a week. within 30 minutes of her little self in our home, my 7 year old was in tears. he pulled me aside and cried on my shoulder as he told me "mom, when we have babies, I just feel like they steal you from me." he was not trying to manipulate me in any way, but genuinely pouring his heart out. and no amount of my reassurance that he is no less loved seemed to fix it.
in those moments, i have wanted to quit. it feels so much in those times like i am choosing these foster kiddos over my own kids and their needs and feelings.
I guess somewhere along the way, I must have bought in to the idea that if you are seeking the Lord and doing his will, that everything is supposed to be smooth and easy. because when we come up against something that's not, it always takes me by surprise.
having to look my daughter in the eyes and say, "i know you don't like this, but we're doing this anyways. life is not about us. we are here to share God's love with others, and this is what we're going to do." that was hard.
having my sons pour out their frustration, and choosing not to save them from it. that's hard.
looking at my kids and saying, "i know this is hard. but we know that God has promised to be with us, and he can help us when its hard." and then trusting God to come through for them in ways that i cannot. that is hard.
battling my own feelings - wondering if we're holding the Lord at arm's length by saying no to full-time placements, fear that we're already asking too much of our kids, guilt when i lose my patience, anxiety when there are 47 things going on at once and i just want to be able to focus on one at a time, and tiredness when I've been up at night with a little one who's not used to sleeping in our house. that is hard.
learning to balance our family's needs with meeting the needs of others. that. is. hard. and the reason it's hard is because sacrifice is so contrary to our human nature. we don't mind the idea of foster care. taking care of cute kids? sure! but when the reality of fostering sets in, everything in us wants to bail. the sleepless nights, the tantrums, the sharing of living space, the sharing of parental time and attention. those are hard and require sacrifice. they are deeper than giggles and cute smiles and good times.
but here's the thing. i look back at the great adventure God has taken our family on. even though we've only had 2 full-time foster placements, i have already lost count of the precious faces that have been in our home in respite. we have had the opportunity to love on so many little ones and their families. each time it was hard. but each time God provided just enough grace to get through each one. God showed up in some way every time.
even if fostering wasn't part of our story, our adventure has still included some really hard things. losing loved ones. 3 babies in 4 years. living on one income and wondering how in the world God would make the ends meet. battling severe depression and anxiety. a serious back injury. a 3 year cpa licensing process with seemingly endless nights away from home studying. having a child battling depression and anxiety. a big move to a new town, and a significant pay cut.
and in all those hard things - Jesus showed up big for us. every. time. His love, grace, peace, and provision have been more evident in those things than in the everyday. so maybe i shouldn't have so much fear about hard things. because maybe those hard things are the very things that help us see and know Jesus more.
and if there's one thing i want for my kids, it's more of Jesus.
